Well. It's certainly been a while, hasn't it? Since I last posted, my life has whirled from empty to full.... of things to do all the time. I started college four weeks ago, and as with any big life change, this one has caused a giant soul shift. I feel much different than I did over this past summer..... many of my fundamental thoughts and ideas have changed since then, and I'm working to fit all the puzzle pieces together and see where it's all taking me. Which is a work in process, as usual. But college has been a very interesting experience so far and I find I'm quite liking it.
I wrote this poem two months ago. I've wanted to post it for a time, but I'm finally getting around to doing it. I'm not sure of it's title, but I will preface it by saying that it describes the chapter I just walked out of...the long dry summer I just endured. I don't feel this way anymore, in fact I feel quite identity-less these days, lost in a bigger place than I've ever been. But this poem is an important piece of my voice, so I wanted to share it.
I am partial to poetry.
I wear chokers for confidence and my eyes are the color of a pre-storm sky in spring.
I spent my childhood reading fat books and the first time I fell in love I whispered the secret to a tree.
I romanticize other humans almost as much
as I romanticize myself
Searching for wisdom in first waking hours and deeper meaning in smiles...
I may never know if it's really there.
And I live my days like I'm holding my breath, waiting for the earth shattering adventure, the mind bending change, the roguish Prince Charming to shake me out of my glass globe world.
It never comes. I'm still holding my breath for adventure, still wearing my chokers with cute outfits doomed to only be seen by small children and grandmothers...
I'm still holding my breath for a daring choice, wishing with all the fierceness I have that I could have a chance to lose the air in my lungs for a reason bigger than seeing you in the hallway.
I am wasting so much time being a poem when nobody wants to read it.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Today I am 18. Today I stand slightly afraid of the amount of years I have behind me, realizing that reaching adulthood doesn't mean you feel grown up. But inside of me there is a desire to fight, to come off conqueror in the great battle I am in. To win an influence, to have a voice. To be "more than just a girl who writes." Here, with the words I have in my soul, are 18 things I have learned in my 18 years.
1. Being different is truly beautiful. Diversity is what makes life the gorgeous, glorious color palette that it is.
2. Words have such incredible power. They can change hearts, inspire minds, and expand souls.
3. Technology allows us to be inspired by the existence of people who we've never even met. A genuine heart shines through a screen and touches yours even when the person is miles and miles away.
4. The value of an education is so much more than the piece of paper they call a diploma.
5. The best friends will laugh with you over the silliest things and cry with you over the heaviest ones.
6. Mentoring is the most rewarding thing I have ever or will ever do.
7. God speaks the language of trees, sunsets and mountains. It takes oh so much practice to hear his voice, but when you learn how it is THE most beautiful thing.
8. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go when all you want to do is hold on.
9. Life is seasonal by nature, and the only constant we can depend on is change.
10. A play can bring people together like not very many other things can.
11. Driving a car isn't as scary as it seems. Neither is just about anything in life once we take the first brave step and try.
12. Poetry and music move the core of who I am and help me see fresh new perspectives every day.
13. The desire to share your light can be blotted out easier than a candle flame. Don't let it go out.
14. My parents are pioneers, constantly forging new paths and showing me the importance of daring to be different.
15. The teenage years aren't as fun and vibrant as the media portrays it to be. Most of the time, it will feel like one big heartbreak, but no matter how dark it is always a path leading you to a better place.
16. Formal dances are overrated.
17. No matter how hard we try, or how much we love, the only person who can decide to change a person is themselves.
18. Life is beautiful. Even though it can be really really awful and hard and dark sometimes, there is a redemption and a healing that runs through the very fibers of who we are, through the very soul of nature, that shows us that the story of sacrifice and rescue and love will never get old. We will always cheer for the underdog, we will always want to see the darkness turn into light. And we are that way because Jesus Christ did it first. He is the conqueror that shows us what is possible.
If you want to see 18 facts about me at 18, check out the blog I started with my friends a little while ago here.
Monday, March 27, 2017
I wrote another spoken word poem a few days ago. I'm finding I quite like the format :) Next time I'm hoping to get better sound quality and improve my video skills a little bit, but for now, here's the message, raw, pure and unadulterated. This poem is about fighting the world's ugliness with light, truth and beauty. It's about the call I feel to write and bring hope into a world that often seems dark. Thank you for watching! The words are below.
There's a seed planted in my chest.
Pulsating and shimmering, alive with the desire to grow,
To blossom into something more than just a girl who writes.
There's a dark cloud outside my window, black as hopelessness and thick as fear,
Whirling with the intent to choke the good and pure things of the world.
There is poetry flowing in my veins, lending me power to cloak the world in beauty,
My eyes are the color of pastel wonder, and my heart beats out a cadence that my mind gives words to.
And with every word I can choose to bring forth darkness or I can choose to bring forth light.
There will always be ugliness. We cannot cause the black cloud to disappear, but we can fight against it with beauty and light, as long as there is breath in our lungs.
I am waging a war on ugliness and vulgarity. I have a pen instead of a sword and words instead of bullets, and I will prevail. For I have the power to speak the language of our souls.
I have the power of poetry.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
sleepy sunlight through your window, butter colored blossoms and amber wheat waves dancing in the sun,
golden honey pouring sweetly from a jar
gold is the color of dreamy content and peaceful bliss
golden is what you are when happiness has soaked into your bones and you are made of flesh no longer, but are crafted from pure sunlight.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
World is covered by our trails,
Scars we cover up with paint,
Watch them preaching sour lies..
I would rather see this world through the eyes of a child
Darker times will come and go,
Times you need to see her smile,
And mother's hearts are warm and mild..
I would rather feel this world through the skin of a child
When a human strokes your skin,
That is when you let them in,
Let them in before they go,
I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul...
This past weekend I was at work early in the morning and found myself pretty bored, as usually happens when I'm working early. So I decided to have some apple juice for breakfast. I had only one dilemma though, the apple juice was warm from being in the pastry case. Gross, right? So I put it in the fridge for a few seconds, but quickly got tired of waiting and took a sip of my slightly warm apple juice.
It was one of those magical moments in life where you momentarily forget where you are and what is happening around you and it suddenly feels like you have been transported to another place altogether. Suddenly, I was no longer a responsible almost 18 year old at my paid by the hour job. I was seven and I was sitting in the back of our family's white mini van as we drove through the brown Arizona landscape, sipping from my juice box. The sunshine filtered through the big windows, I was bathed in its golden light and the anticipation of our trip. And I was thoroughly enjoying my slightly warm apple juice.
That moment, brief though it was, opened my eyes to something. The feeling of being a child is one of the best in all the world. The complex becomes simple, the anxiety becomes giddy anticipation. We are free. Free of inhibitions, insecurities, and innuendoes aggressively covering up how we really feel. Children come from such an honest place. If they are sad, they cry. If they are happy, they dance and sing and laugh and show us what their joy looks like.
Today as I wandered down to the park with my siblings wearing my recently purchased overalls, pink jacket and braids in my hair, I felt that sunshiny joy of a child to simply be alive on a beautiful spring day. And so I wanted to share what I learned: Sometimes, when you're almost 18 (or 38 or 85), you just need to go to the park and be a little kid for a while.
Childhood is the core of human nature. It is the foundation and the beginning to each life and it is where we learn the lessons and values we carry with us into the future. I think that there are plenty of lessons to be learned from children that adults could apply for a happier and wholer existence.
You can call me naive and ridiculous, but I know that sometimes getting in touch with that core inside of us is just what we need to remind us that the world is a happy place. It hasn't necessarily been easy for me to find it, and I know it is that way for many people. It's true that most of my childhood memories don't exactly line up with what I have described here. It happens. We get tainted by society and adults and expectations at young ages. But I'm confident that each one of us can go back to a time, maybe before we can even remember, when we were living out of our heart. Simple, unadulterated joy.
So go outside and dance in the sunshine, listen to a song that reminds you of being small, giggle uncontrollably with a little one, or just sing out of the joy and delight of your soul. Do what it is that makes you remember what it feels like to be alive. We are closer to God when we remember that we are just children in His sight, children that he loves eternally.
"I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul...."
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Bubbles-- A Spoken Word Poem
This poem is about the negative effects of social media, something I've seen a lot of people hurt by, and something I've been thinking about a lot lately. For a long time now I've wanted to share my thoughts on this subject, but felt it was too big and widespread of a subject to be able to grapple into a poem the way I wanted to. Yesterday I made this video for a journalism assignment and then uploaded it to Facebook. I have since had some people asking me to share it, so I'm posting it here, with the words below :) Thank you for watching!
We are all so human.
So terrified to show the weakness and the vulnerability of our condition
But we want to.
We want the world to see who we are
To accept the thread that stitched us up in the places where we ripped when we tripped over our insecurities because we took the risk of caring
And it left a scar.
They handed us rectangular boxes with screens and told us it was the key to connection,
To staying in touch, being in the know, sharing our lives and watching others grow,
So why is it that every time I logged on to Instagram instead of a connection I felt pressured to perfection, a comparison to an image that wasn't even real.
Why is it that all I hear is the criticism because she posted that selfie just hoping someone would accept the person she is behind the puckered lips and inch thick make-up?
Why have our interactions become limited to a superficial addiction to staring at a screen? Why instead of connecting, loving, accepting, do we walk around with bubbles around our heads just big enough for our screens and our judgement?
Because we all crave acceptance. But getting a certain amount of likes will never fill the void in each of our hearts.
We're not robots, we're not meant to hide from each other in our bubbles.
We all need love, we all need real connection.
So let's stop judging and hating and start loving and giving.
Life is so much more than what you see on social media.
Friday, February 10, 2017
And that’s when I thought,
Maybe I’ll write a poem about me.
Maybe I’ll put a rhythm to the way I get excited about things I believe in,
Write words to describe my laugh when I’m shaking too hard to take a breath.
Maybe I’ll turn my smile to a rhyme and the beat of my lonely, strong heart to a meter,
Because at the end of the day I am a story
We are all stories waiting to be told and songs waiting to be sungAnd the biggest hope in my chest is that people will hear my song and it’s melody will make them want to sing their own.