The Chapter I Just Walked Out Of

Well. It's certainly been a while, hasn't it? Since I last posted, my life has whirled from empty to full.... of things to do all the time. I started college four weeks ago, and as with any big life change, this one has caused a giant soul shift. I feel much different than I did over this past summer..... many of my fundamental thoughts and ideas have changed since then, and I'm working to fit all the puzzle pieces together and see where it's all taking me. Which is a work in process, as usual. But college has been a very interesting experience so far and I find I'm quite liking it.
I wrote this poem two months ago. I've wanted to post it for a time, but I'm finally getting around to doing it. I'm not sure of it's title, but I will preface it by saying that it describes the chapter I just walked out of...the long dry summer I just endured. I don't feel this way anymore, in fact I feel quite identity-less these days, lost in a bigger place than I've ever been. But this poem is an important piece of my voice, so I wanted to share it.

I am partial to poetry.
And alliterations.
I wear chokers for confidence and my eyes are the color of a pre-storm sky in spring.
I spent my childhood reading fat books and the first time I fell in love I whispered the secret to a tree.

I romanticize other humans almost as much
as I romanticize myself
Searching for wisdom in first waking hours and deeper meaning in smiles...
I may never know if it's really there.

And I live my days like I'm holding my breath, waiting for the earth shattering adventure, the mind bending change, the roguish Prince Charming to shake me out of my glass globe world.
It never comes. I'm still holding my breath for adventure, still wearing my chokers with cute outfits doomed to only be seen by small children and grandmothers...
I'm still holding my breath for a daring choice, wishing with all the fierceness I have that I could have a chance to lose the air in my lungs for a reason bigger than seeing you in the hallway.

I am wasting so much time being a poem when nobody wants to read it.

Birthday Post

Today I am 18. Today I stand slightly afraid of the amount of years I have behind me, realizing that reaching adulthood doesn't mean you feel grown up. But inside of me there is a desire to fight, to come off conqueror in the great battle I am in. To win an influence, to have a voice. To be "more than just a girl who writes." Here, with the words I have in my soul, are 18 things I have learned in my 18 years.

1. Being different is truly beautiful. Diversity is what makes life the gorgeous, glorious color palette that it is.

2. Words have such incredible power. They can change hearts, inspire minds, and expand souls.

3. Technology allows us to be inspired by the existence of people who we've never even met. A genuine heart shines through a screen and touches yours even when the person is miles and miles away.

4. The value of an education is so much more than the piece of paper they call a diploma.

5. The best friends will laugh with you over the silliest things and cry with you over the heaviest ones.

6. Mentoring is the most rewarding thing I have ever or will ever do.

7. God speaks the language of trees, sunsets and mountains. It takes oh so much practice to hear his voice, but when you learn how it is THE most beautiful thing.

8. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go when all you want to do is hold on.

9. Life is seasonal by nature, and the only constant we can depend on is change.

10. A play can bring people together like not very many other things can.

11. Driving a car isn't as scary as it seems. Neither is just about anything in life once we take the first brave step and try.

12. Poetry and music move the core of who I am and help me see fresh new perspectives every day.

13. The desire to share your light can be blotted out easier than a candle flame. Don't let it go out.

14. My parents are pioneers, constantly forging new paths and showing me the importance of daring to be different.

15. The teenage years aren't as fun and vibrant as the media portrays it to be. Most of the time, it will feel like one big heartbreak, but no matter how dark it is always a path leading you to a better place.

16. Formal dances are overrated.

17. No matter how hard we try, or how much we love, the only person who can decide to change a person is themselves.

18. Life is beautiful. Even though it can be really really awful and hard and dark sometimes, there is a redemption and a healing that runs through the very fibers of who we are, through the very soul of nature, that shows us that the story of sacrifice and rescue and love will never get old. We will always cheer for the underdog, we will always want to see the darkness turn into light. And we are that way because Jesus Christ did it first. He is the conqueror that shows us what is possible.


If you want to see 18 facts about me at 18, check out the blog I started with my friends a little while ago here.

Waging a War: Spoken Word #2

I wrote another spoken word poem a few days ago. I'm finding I quite like the format :) Next time I'm hoping to get better sound quality and improve my video skills a little bit, but for now, here's the message, raw, pure and unadulterated. This poem is about fighting the world's ugliness with light, truth and beauty. It's about the call I feel to write and bring hope into a world that often seems dark. Thank you for watching! The words are below.


There's a seed planted in my chest.
Pulsating and shimmering, alive with the desire to grow,
To blossom into something more than just a girl who writes.

There's a dark cloud outside my window, black as hopelessness and thick as fear,
Whirling with the intent to choke the good and pure things of the world.

There is poetry flowing in my veins, lending me power to cloak the world in beauty,
My eyes are the color of pastel wonder, and my heart beats out a cadence that my mind gives words to.
And with every word I can choose to bring forth darkness or I can choose to bring forth light.
There will always be ugliness. We cannot cause the black cloud to disappear, but we can fight against it with beauty and light, as long as there is breath in our lungs. 

I am waging a war on ugliness and vulgarity. I have a pen instead of a sword and words instead of bullets, and I will prevail. For I have the power to speak the language of our souls. 

I have the power of poetry. 

golden

  golden
  sleepy sunlight through your window, butter colored blossoms and amber wheat waves dancing in the sun,
  golden honey pouring sweetly from a jar
  gold is the color of dreamy content and peaceful bliss
  golden is what you are when happiness has soaked into your bones and you are made of flesh no longer, but are crafted from pure sunlight.

Apple Juice & Overalls--A Ramble

   World is covered by our trails,
   Scars we cover up with paint,
   Watch them preaching sour lies..
   I would rather see this world through the eyes of a child

  Darker times will come and go,
  Times you need to see her smile,
  And mother's hearts are warm and mild..
  I would rather feel this world through the skin of a child

  When a human strokes your skin,
  That is when you let them in,
  Let them in before they go,
  I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul...

                               ---Aurora

This past weekend I was at work early in the morning and found myself pretty bored, as usually happens when I'm working early. So I decided to have some apple juice for breakfast. I had only one dilemma though, the apple juice was warm from being in the pastry case. Gross, right? So I put it in the fridge for a few seconds, but quickly got tired of waiting and took a sip of my slightly warm apple juice.

It was one of those magical moments in life where you momentarily forget where you are and what is happening around you and it suddenly feels like you have been transported to another place altogether. Suddenly, I was no longer a responsible almost 18 year old at my paid by the hour job. I was seven and I was sitting in the back of our family's white mini van as we drove through the brown Arizona landscape, sipping from my juice box. The sunshine filtered through the big windows, I was bathed in its golden light and the anticipation of our trip. And I was thoroughly enjoying my slightly warm apple juice.

That moment, brief though it was, opened my eyes to something. The feeling of being a child is one of the best in all the world. The complex becomes simple, the anxiety becomes giddy anticipation. We are free. Free of inhibitions, insecurities, and innuendoes aggressively covering up how we really feel. Children come from such an honest place. If they are sad, they cry. If they are happy, they dance and sing and laugh and show us what their joy looks like.

Today as I wandered down to the park with my siblings wearing my recently purchased overalls, pink jacket and braids in my hair, I felt that sunshiny joy of a child to simply be alive on a beautiful spring day. And so I wanted to share what I learned: Sometimes, when you're almost 18 (or 38 or 85), you just need to go to the park and be a little kid for a while.

Childhood is the core of human nature. It is the foundation and the beginning to each life and it is where we learn the lessons and values we carry with us into the future. I think that there are plenty of lessons to be learned from children that adults could apply for a happier and wholer existence.

You can call me naive and ridiculous, but I know that sometimes getting in touch with that core inside of us is just what we need to remind us that the world is a happy place. It hasn't necessarily been easy for me to find it, and I know it is that way for many people. It's true that most of my childhood memories don't exactly line up with what I have described here. It happens. We get tainted by society and adults and expectations at young ages. But I'm confident that each one of us can go back to a time, maybe before we can even remember, when we were living out of our heart. Simple, unadulterated joy.

So go outside and dance in the sunshine, listen to a song that reminds you of being small, giggle uncontrollably with a little one, or just sing out of the joy and delight of your soul. Do what it is that makes you remember what it feels like to be alive. We are closer to God when we remember that we are just children in His sight, children that he loves eternally.

"I would rather feel alive with a childlike soul...."

Bubbles

Bubbles-- A Spoken Word Poem

This poem is about the negative effects of social media, something I've seen a lot of people hurt by, and something I've been thinking about a lot lately. For a long time now I've wanted to share my thoughts on this subject, but felt it was too big and widespread of a subject to be able to grapple into a poem the way I wanted to. Yesterday I made this video for a journalism assignment and then uploaded it to Facebook. I have since had some people asking me to share it, so I'm posting it here, with the words below :) Thank you for watching!

We are all so human.
So terrified to show the weakness and the vulnerability of our condition
But we want to.
We want the world to see who we are
To accept the thread that stitched us up in the places where we ripped when we tripped over our insecurities because we took the risk of caring
And it left a scar.

They handed us rectangular boxes with screens and told us it was the key to connection,
To staying in touch, being in the know, sharing our lives and watching others grow,
So why is it that every time I logged on to Instagram instead of a connection I felt pressured to perfection, a comparison to an image that wasn't even real.

Why is it that all I hear is the criticism because she posted that selfie just hoping someone would accept the person she is behind the puckered lips and inch thick make-up?

Why have our interactions become limited to a superficial addiction to staring at a screen? Why instead of connecting, loving, accepting, do we walk around with bubbles around our heads just big enough for our screens and our judgement?

Because we all crave acceptance. But getting a certain amount of likes will never fill the void in each of our hearts.
We're not robots, we're not meant to hide from each other in our bubbles.
We all need love, we all need real connection.
So let's stop judging and hating and start loving and giving.
Life is so much more than what you see on social media.

Songs Waiting to Be Sung

And that’s when I thought,

Maybe I’ll write a poem about me.

Maybe I’ll put a rhythm to the way I get excited about things I believe in,

Write words to describe my laugh when I’m shaking too hard to take a breath.

Maybe I’ll turn my smile to a rhyme and the beat of my lonely, strong heart to a meter,

Because at the end of the day I am a story

We are all stories waiting to be told and songs waiting to be sung

And the biggest hope in my chest is that people will hear my song and it’s melody will make them want to sing their own.

More Old Writings

     
Hey again. I just found this little thing in my post drafts. Another old writing of mine, which I never posted, probably because I thought it was cliche and annoying. But I'm trying to love all my phases of creation, so I decided to post it today. Hopefully you enjoy :)
               
  I want to visit lands unexplored and green, full of the magical scent of possibility. I want to wander through forests full of little hollows and hills, where you might spot something otherworldly at any second. I want new sights, sounds, smells, and tastes. I want to experience the world through the eyes of a wondering, innocent child, who has everything to learn and nothing to lose. I want to love til my heart has nothing left to give, and then find my strength in a heart of equal strength. I want to go to cities where people buy strange fruits and make spicy traditions around cozy tables. I want to transfer my soul into neat black letters on a white sheet of paper, so people can read them and fill their hearts with fire, and their stomachs with butterflies and their mind with blossoms of poetry. I want a love of life that is contagious and breathtaking. I learned that the word 'fernweh' means "a craving for travel, a homesickness for places you've never been." I guess that's me, and it's an awful ailment.
         

Inspiration--- A Ramble

Last year in March I felt like I was in a writing rut. I was searching for some inspiration, a way to get out and try new things with writing. So naturally, I did what any teenage girl in the twenty first century would, and went to Pinterest for answers. Pinterest came through for me when I saw an ad for something called the Writer's Roadmap. It was authored by a woman named Laura Davis and upon subscribing to it, you would receive weekly thought provoking writing prompts in your inbox. So I decided to give it a go and I subscribed. I did this weekly writing prompt for almost six months, and it ended up being such a cool and insightful experience! But when school started back up I became overwhelmed with my schedule and dropped the habit completely. So today I decided to read back on some of my old writings and I was amazed by what I read. Have you ever read something you wrote in the past and it felt just like you were being transported back to that time? It was just like that, but at the same time I was amazed by the deep insights that were able to come to me just by carving out the time to look deeply inside myself and write what I felt. So I decided I would share with you a few snippets of what I wrote for today's blog post :)

March 29, 2016--
"When we numb ourselves, we betray our inner truth. We betray that which is inside of us, that which bloomed from a seed of truth. Our emotions. Those messengers that are there to tell us something about ourselves. When we numb ourselves to emotions, we can also numb ourselves to conscience. And when that happens, we suddenly find ourselves in a world without morals.
As for forgetting, this too is a sin because when we forget the lessons we have learned from the past, we are bound to repeat our mistakes. And we will have gone through hell in vain because we did not learn from our experience there."

May 24, 2016--
"Recently, I wrote a personal manifesto, detailing my beliefs about all aspects of life....Something that I noticed with awe as I wrote this, was that my belief in a loving God who created the world and who is all powerful, touched every other aspect of belief. My belief in a universe that lives and breathes by the power of love is foundational to my life and makes me who I am.


And finally, on August 2, 2016 I wrote something that was a humongous inspiration to me today :)
"  I am living proof to myself that I can overcome fears. Making mistakes is such a part of life. If we didn’t make them, we would never learn, and I feel that my whole life has been a testament to that. I’ve made so many mistakes, and each one of them taught me something and made me stronger as a person. I wear my imperfections like jewels, and make my insecurities dance in the sunlight. No more will I hide. I will burst forth into the light, and I will show the world courage and dignity as I chase my dreams.
I am finally ready to stop being afraid. To embrace mistakes as they come and let them shape me to be better. I’m endlessly grateful for the things I have learned. I’m ready to move forward. This next chapter of life coming up will be a thrilling one. I’m teetering on the precipice of adulthood, treading the waters of independence. I’m getting ready to begin the unleashing of my potential on the world. It’s a very exciting prospect, and one that I am finally not shrinking from. I know I have the ability to change the world. I’ve always known it, but now I’m not letting my fears get in the way of the achievement of my goals. I feel that in this last month I’ve become a different person. The power of my thoughts, the action coiled within me, is ready to spring forth and make a change. No more will I fear mistakes, because mistakes are the keys that unlock each new version, new layer of an improved me."

This was kind of a scattered, random post, but I hope you took something away from it. There are two morals to this story: 1. Take the time to write! It is so valuable later on, and teaches you so much. 2. Sometimes when searching for inspiration, you need only look as far as yourself.
Thanks so much for reading!
Love,

Let Light Win

12 months ago I stumbled out of the hopelessly dark cavern that had been my home just in time to watch the sunrise.
The world was full of more light than I had ever thought possible. Purest gold and softest rose filled my horizon, and I learned a lesson. Grace makes life beautiful.

Today I'm standing in another kind of darkness. Softer, friendlier, it's whispering to me that I'll find the light again soon. And this time, I've been given a candle. I'm holding onto it tight, each day fighting not to let it go out so I can hold up it's soft, warm glow to the world. My candle is my gift, but whether I keep it burning or not is my choice.

I'm choosing to let the light win.

Introducing...My Rambles :)

   Hey there lovely person reading this! I am introducing what I guess you could call a new series on my blog. I'm calling it My Rambles, because that's just what they're going to be. Random little essays of my thoughts and opinions about things. I like the word ramble because it doesn't have to go anywhere in particular...it's just a little excursion departed on for the fun of it. And if I happen to find something amazing and worthwhile on my carefree little rambles, then it's all the more exciting! I want to write more about the adventures of my everyday life, as I've come to realize that my life is quite different from that of the average teenage girl, and I believe for good reason. Maybe I can share some of the reason I've taken my particular life path thus far on this blog. Soo, I guess I'll just get right into it.
  This January has a much different flavor than the last one did. The skies are foggy and grey, sobbing torrential tears over the ugliness of the world it looks down on. Looking out the window can be depressing if you do it too often, even for me, an avid lover of gloomy weather.
  I'm different this January than I was the last, too. I'm not quite the exuberant, ecstatic girl getting giddy over every cloud in the sky and icicle on the windowsill. But I'm coming into a wholeness, an awareness if you will, encompassing myself and the world around me. I am consciously choosing not to numb myself to things, but instead to pay attention to the messages the universe is sending my way. That might sound funny, but when I say the universe I really just mean God. They're synonymous for me. I believe that God is in every aspect of the world as we know it, and He can speak to us in so many more ways than just one. So I'm working to open myself to that.
   One way that I do this is with my daily yoga practice. I'm currently doing a 31 day yoga challenge that is enlightening in so many different ways. I love yoga because it's really the only form of exercise where you can take care of your body, mind and spirit in one take. It's a practice of wholeness, and it's teaching me to listen to my own body and the messages that it has to send to my spirit. Plus, it makes me feel amazing and healthy and empowered, so that's awesome :)
  I think it's so interesting how much we can learn about ourselves if we only open ourselves up to it. If we only take the time to listen. And to write. Writing down the things we learn always helps, especially when you go back and look at the things you've written later. I've learned so, so, much about me and just life in general from keeping a journal, and referring back to it often. Writing opens up my consciousness so much, and helps give definite shape to the thoughts and emotions that can often get confusing.
  This is a time of year where it can be easy to slip out of mindfulness. The weather is cold and depressing, a lot of the time our schedules are boring and mundane. But if we keep our minds and spirits awake and open, we can realize that life is so much fuller than just the experiences and thoughts we limit ourselves to.
  Hopefully some of the above makes sense. I've been working extra hard lately on mindfulness. I'm trying to slip into a new phase, one of higher meaning and in order to do that, I have to slow down and be more aware. These are some of the things that have helped me. I'd love it if you are reading this and would like to share your thoughts or ideas about anything I've written, if you would leave it in the comment section! I'd really like to start a conversation here on my blog and get some people giving me feedback. That would be beyond amazing, and would totally make my day and life :) Thanks for reading, and have a fantastic week!
 

First Post of 2017!!

    Another year has come and gone. It always amazes me how much changes in a year. I feel distinctly different and I know that I'm not the same girl that I was last January. I'm not quite sure what to think about the changes, both in the world and in myself, but I'm determined to make the best of what I am given and to do the most with the upcoming year that I possibly can. New Year's is my favorite time of year. I love the feeling of newness that permeates the air, the fresh resolve that people have to do and be better. I feel like a new year is a gift from God, to show us his love in the form of a fresh start.
  This will most likely be a very long post, as I have a lot of blogging to catch up on. I'm going to write about the month of December first, then I want to talk a little about my New Year's Resolutions, specifically for the blog.

    December Wrap Up:

    Favorite Part: Christmas with my lovely family. All the gifts we gave each other, both the sweet homemade ones and the other thoughtfully picked ones. This Christmas morning was probably our tamest one yet, as we are all getting older and more mature (although by some standards we probably weren't overly sedate), but we have just as much love in our hearts for each other as ever and that is what makes Christmas magical.
    Reading: I finished Far From the Madding Crowd. It was really, really good. A frustrating and pretty sad story, but beautifully written and with a lot of good lessons and a GOOD ending. So it meets all my requirements. Also my mom and I watched the movie right after I finished the book and it was also amazing and did not disappoint. I would recommend both :)
   Listening to: Oh, everything. Lots of Alice Kristiansen covers and Molly Kate Kestner's new single, which are my current favorites.
   Learning: Where I want the future to take me, and how to live intentionally towards what I want. I'm excited for this next year to unfold, I've got some big plans!
   Thinking about: The new year and all my resolutions and goals.
    Next month: Getting back into the swing of things with renewed vigor and committing to consistent hard work and listening to my heart.

2017 Resolutions:

First off, I have a list of my words for 2017. These are my mantras and what I am striving for this year:

• Mindful
• Motivated
• Focused
• Joyful
• Confident

I have these in a place where I'll see them often, and they are the standards I am constantly holding myself to. 

I also have a list of more practical resolutions, including but not limited to:

1. Become more organized and good at housekeeping in my own little bedroom and my bathroom.
2. Journal every day.
3. Pray about everything.
4. Have a nice long social media purge
5. Post on the blog more! And don't make silly commitments I can't keep on here.

My blogging goals are to post at least once a week. I want to post more of my thoughts and opinions in essay form, as well as poetry. I'm going to continue doing my monthly posts but will most likely be changing them up a little bit.
Thank you for reading and I hope you have the most wonderful of New Year's!