Poem #12: Somedays

 Somedays, I hide from my pain.
 Curling my body into the tiniest shape imaginable, and humming a song about love
 to keep the delicate threads holding me together from collapse.
 And somedays I run from my pain,
 breathless from the storm of stressful and the piles of work I'm racing to get through.
 But other days I need to feel my pain,
 like an ocean wave slamming against my bones, pure cold water breaking on my skin.
 I need to crash through the wall of my numbness, burn through the dullness of my aching heart,
 and let my tears fall like rain into the ocean.

Day 11: Swimming

 I'm trying to stay afloat,
 I'm working on not drowning,
 Tomorrow I'll stop and smell the roses, but today
 I'm focusing on swimming.

Day 10: Window to the Soul

  Eyes are the window to the soul
  If you look into them you just might know,
  The pain of my heart, the hope in my chest,
  The words I am speaking won't pass the truth test,
  If you have the courage to just look inside,
  the things that you'll see won't be able to hide,
  but most won't take the chance to look that deep,
  afraid that discomfort will wake from it's sleep,
  something they don't have the knowledge to name,
  something that they think will be cause for shame.
  Why don't we reach out in love and in care?
  Why so much fear of the truth we don't share?

Day 9: The Puddle & the Ocean

 She looks into the waters, the surface cool and smooth
 a longing hits her heart to dive in,
 to be enveloped by waves of pure depth.

 Mystery of ocean, magic spell spun by the rippling surface,
 she is wildly in love with the idea of swimming.
 No hesitance precedes the dive, as she plummets headfirst into the cold and sweet embrace so  breathlessly hoped for.

 How could she have known how quickly she would hit rock bottom?
 Stunning reality jars her body as she lands.
 The water is only a few feet deep.

 She aches for depth, she breathes for the cold splash of authenticity.
 Turns out he was only a puddle, and she needed an ocean to keep her full

Day 8: How Rude

You once

lent me a laugh

then you stole my heart too

I didn't want you to take it

How rude.

Day 7: Demons

 Whispering distractions,
 threading doubt through my hair,
 ever so gently robbing me
 of peace of mind.

 As if by a subtle breeze my thoughts are pulled in a million different directions,
 before plummeting into the abyss called "I forgot what important means"

 Surface pictures and words,
 spinning the wheels uselessly in my brain,
 I jump to conclusions, but they offer nothing to hold on to
 and so I fall,
 back into the dark lap of my demons.

Day 6: Far Too Easily

 I've got a lonely heart
 that's bound to fall in love far too easily.
 Catching at the good in people like a prism catches rainbows from the light,
 and holding it tight as the world keeps turning.

 I've got an honest soul
 that doesn't understand the complexities and facades others use to hide
 and simply wants to knit itself with, and truly know another soul
 inside and out.

 I've got a dreamy mind
 that romanticizes situations
 seeing them with a golden pink skyline above when their reality is a bland horizon,
 imagining love like a pearl too deep in the ocean to find.

 But love is messy and sometimes hurtful,
 awkwardly beautiful in it's ugly and tenderly sweet in it's bitter.
 Love is a paradox of human experience,
 and some give up, saying the puzzle is too hard to put together.

 Not me. I've got a persistent spirit, determined to wait for a
 heart
         soul
                mind as loving and honest and dreamy and star dotted as mine
                          and when I do, then we'll figure out the puzzle together.
                 

Day 5: See the Light

Darkness swirls, hanging heavy in the air
your mind soaks it up when the light isn't there.
Bad news and nightmares leaping out of your speaker,
and just when you think things couldn't be bleaker,
it happens again as confusion fills your brain.
if only there was a way to find purpose in the pain.

But the world is full of light that most simply don't see,
there's sunshine through your window, there's blossoms on your tree,
there's the love of your mother when she does the little things,
and the freedom of a songbird as she glides on feathered wings.

There are two sides to every story, and which will you choose to see?
There's joy left to be had, and a new person to be,
simply open up your eyes, and you will find,
the secret to true happiness is found within your mind.

Day 4: A Prayer

 Humbly I ask for the courage to see what others will not, and to do something about it.
 I ask for the resolve to share my gifts with the world and the humility to give God credit for them.
 I ask for the vision to create greatness, and the hope to keep my creations full of goodness.
 I pray sincerely for the discernment to know when a friend is struggling, and what I can do to help.
 I pray that I might have the love to see the good in the souls of those around me, and the grace to  forgive where forgiveness is required.
 Let me strive each day to show love to myself by loving others, and to love God above all.
 With Him on my side, I want to help light the world.

Day 3: Hot Chocolate Hypnosis

 
 Rich and dark, streaming into cup after cup
 bubbles on the surface are cages, with baby rainbows trapped inside,
 I spray cream out of a can, light and fluffy as a cloud,
 The flecks fly out and cling to my shirt
 like stars forming patterns on a black night sky.


(this poem was written after I spent five hours making hot chocolate at work and I'm trying real hard not to fall asleep as I'm typing right now.... Hope your third of December was fabulous!)

Day #2: Girl on Fire

 She had a dream like a spark
 it left on her heart a smoldering mark,
 she was full of a burning desire
 to be on fire.

 She started to work, she started to pray,
 she ran towards her dream every day,
 each morning she looked toward the rising sun
 and started to run.

 Her speed grew greater, time blowing by,
 she wanted so badly to touch the sky,
 her soul was aflame, she was numb to the pain
 the heat kept her sane.

 The spark grew bigger, the smoke grew thicker,
 her hair was afire, the ends starting to flicker,
 the heat was rising as she rose to the sky,
 and started to fly.

 That dream bore her onward,
 she was above the trees,
 the world grew smaller as buildings scraped her knees,
 when the people looked up, all they could see
 was a flaming scarlet cloud
 and she was free.

October & November

Heey! So I sort of forgot to make my October post. Whoops. By the time I realized I hadn't done it, it was like the middle of November anyway. So here is my recap from the last TWO months :)

Favorite part: Going to two beaches in two different states in one day on our family road trip.
Reading: Did I read anything? Wow if I haven't even finished a book in the last two months I'm pretty sure I'm questioning that I'm even still myself. Yikes. I am reading a book right now though! It's Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy and it's super good so far. I'll update you when I finish it. Oh gosh.
Listening to: For the most part, Sabrina Carpenter's EVOLution. Seriously good stuff. Also, Regina Spektor's new album is amazing, and so is a song that I just heard for the first time like two days ago. Go listen to Let me Love the Lonely by James Arthur.
Learning: Chemistry! And how to stay sane in stressful times of life and during emotional issues. I'm hanging on, and things are starting to look brighter so that's way awesome.
Thinking about: The future. And learning to see it in a hopeful light. The present. And learning to stay in it with joy.
Doing: Working, teaching drama classes, homework, college applying, crying from stress, etc.
Next month: Christmas!!! And also New Year's which is my favorite time of year of all the times of year. Soo pumped. But before that, finals and finishing up the semester, throwing Christmas parties and keeping a charitable Christmas spirit in my soul.
Goodness, life is good. I am what I call a serial goal maker and I have made a goal to post a poem everyday in December. Scroll down if you would like to see my first one, and have a lovely day.

December Poetry Challenge: A Year is a Miracle

Anger and bitter blackness, shocking when viewed from a distance,
was close and real and tangible as smoke..
trying to choke the truth planted in me.

Light creeps in as slow as sunrise,
a smile here and a wise word there,
thawing the winter in my soul,
starting a glow, almost too small to see.

Sunshine burst forth goldenly, a heart changed and healed
the pain of youth can clear like clouds from a grey sky
making room for beauty.

A year is a miracle, more transformational than you know.
each day brings change.
Slight as the opening of a rosebud.
and one day you'll discover, you have bloomed.

The Rebirth of Hope

The magic in the air is coming down like sparkling flecks of cloud,
The world is turning white, the ice is all around,
My heart is filled with light as my ears and fingers numb,
the sky is gold and rose, the tree branches aglow.

It's winter in the world, but my heart is full of spring,
last night I caught a breath and felt hope beginning.
I'm catching whiffs of the future that taste like the past,
light begins, a peaceful flow through my veins.

The future has beauty. What a magical thought!
The future is a place of growing.
With sunrise walks, and long wise talks
more ice cold winters, more vivid springs, more apple crisp autumns.
More of my soul, stretching into a more flexible version of the little girl I used to be.

P.S. To anyone reading this, go write down 10 things you are thankful for as fast as you think of them. Then go make someone smile. I dare you. Happy Thanksgiving! You are beautiful.

The Month of September

Favorite part: The fall weather, crisp autumn air and soft golden skies :)
Reading: I read The Element by Ken Robinson and it is my new favorite book. It gets me excited to the point that I can't sit still and my voice is really high pitched and bubbly when I talk about it.
Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson's new album, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense. I LOVE it.
Learning: That I need to learn to be independent and balance things that are important.
Thinking about: What my element is and how I can find it. (Read the book!!)
Doing: Homework, singing a lot, and making goals but not keeping them. (I'm working on it.)
Next month: Healthier eating habits, learning how to keep my goals and stay on top of my life, and discovering happiness and passion. I am on my way to becoming a wholer version of myself, and that's what I've decided.

My First Vignette

I recently wrote a vignette, which is a type of short story, for publication in my school newspaper. I decided that I want to share it here, and kind of explain a little bit behind why I wrote it and the inspiration for it, just for something new :)
I've had the idea for this short story for a very long time now actually. I got the idea from a song called All the Rowboats by Regina Spektor. The song just really fascinated me, and I started formulating this idea in my head literally ages ago. The song is talking about an art museum full of beautiful pieces, forever memorialized in a display. She compares the museum to a prison where the classic works of art are forced to stay, living out an existence that is merely for show.  "First there's lights out, then there's lock up, masterpieces serving maximum sentences. It's their own fault for being timeless, there's a price to pay and a consequence." (really good song, you should go listen to it.) Anyway, this gave me the idea to write a story. . Hopefully you find it interesting :)

I am beautiful. I have learned that beautiful does not mean free. That doesn’t mean it is not pleasant, oh no. It is a very nice and comfortable thing to be beautiful, to have people compare your eyes to violets and your hair to pure gold and your lips to baby roses in the spring. It is nice to walk down the street and to know that you are the one turning heads, the one everybody is looking at. I love beauty, and it is truly delightful to look in the mirror and see it reflected back at me.

But I am not free. Every morning I carefully apply a dazzling smile, like a generous layer of lipstick, and I attach a charming laugh to my voice. I use my large, dewy eyes and my sparkling wit to get me out of just about any situation. I am adored by all who cross my path, but truly known by none. They see my face, and not much more than that.

Today, I am in an art museum. Standing under the high ceiling, my fingers brush a marble statue, sending a chill tumbling through my veins. It’s beauty is in simple, graceful lines, a likeness of a woman lifting a bucket from a well. The chilly, white purity of the statue is so lovely it sends an ache to my heart. She is one frozen moment, robbed of the gift of breath, of movement.

I turn around and see a painting, it’s colors stark against the canvas. A beach, a starry sky, and a flock of rowboats tied to the shore. The painting pops out with a fierce, lifelike sharpness. I can smell the ocean, I can feel its spray. The boats are still, are tied down like birds chained to cages. And they will never sail, will never feel the ocean beneath them, nor travel to a far land. A sadness, piercing and sweet, stabs into my heart for the plight of the rowboats.

I travel through the gallery, enjoying the beauty of the art, each piece a manifestation of the mastery of it’s creator. There are so many paintings, so many rectangular frames containing snippets of stories that will never be told in entirety. And a sadness washes over me, a sort of hollow despair, flowing from the flatness of the paintings, from the emptiness behind the lovely images I see. I see a sketch of a violin, it’s every detail intricate, and shed an unbidden tear for the music it will never play.

As I explore hallway after hallway, I am stopped by people, their words full of admiration, their gazes astonished. I smile, nod, and continue on. Each wing of the museum seems to grow colder, and larger, and emptier. I begin to feel it. Dread. A great monster stirring beneath my ribs.

I’ve reached the furthest wing of the building. There is a door at the end of the hallway and despite the protest in the beat of my heart I turn the handle and step in. Against the far wall is a heavy velvet curtain cascading to the floor. Something--curiosity mixed with fear pushes me onward. I’m terrified of what lies behind the curtain, but my hand reaches out and lifts it.

The painting is large, and brilliant in color, floor length and full of vibrant realness. The color drains from my cheeks, numbness turning me to a colorless shell.

It’s a picture of a girl, standing with perfect posture and a haughty tilt to her head. Her eyes are nothing more than blue painted markings in the frozen and beautiful face. Her smile is heartbreakingly lovely,  and completely empty of laughter, painted on with a masterful hand.

She is not real. She cannot see, nor feel, nor hear the song that is within her coming out. People may exclaim over her beauty, but there is nothing real about her. She is merely brushstrokes on a canvas, a two dimensional work of art.

Horrified, I cannot take my eyes off of it.

For I can see it quite clearly now. The empty eyes are all too recognizable.

The girl in the painting is me.

Beautiful, but not free. For freedom is happiness, the freedom to laugh with joy, the freedom to be loved for more than just your perfect skin, the freedom to be alive. And I’m afraid that alive is not what I am. Not anymore.

August

  Favorite Part: Well. A lot has happened this month. The most exciting of which was definitely getting my first job! (Finally.) I now work at the Tower Deli in Thanksgiving Point and it's actually super fun and I am loving it. I ALSO have another job now, sort of a side thing, where I'm teaching a weekly drama class at Canyon Grove Academy Distance Education. Today was my first day doing that which was super fun as well. So, I'd probably say just becoming more independent (and getting money) was probably my favorite part of this month :)
    Reading: Hmm. Oh, I read a historical fiction series about a girl living in the time the LDS church was restored. There were two books, titled Palmyra and Kirtland, and I really enjoyed them, I'm just not sure other people would. I just really like books like that about sweet, simple characters learning life lessons. Some people might find them slow, but that doesn't bother me as long as there is depth in the book, I guess.
    Listening to: Lots of random stuff.
    Learning: How to get back on a schedule again and balance a billion responsibilities. I'm really happy to be accomplishing things again though.
   Thinking about: To-Do Lists. And being busy and going from one place to the next.
    Doing: Basically, school & work.
    Next month: More school & work. Yay! I'll also be taking the ACT....and I feel like I've lost the motivation to make my life sound exciting lol.
   
   

Poem #10: Ode to Alison

            You bring me sunshine on a cloudy day,

Your smile is like a shelter from the rain,

When we laugh together then my soul sings,

And when we are quiet I am at peace

Your friendship is one of my favorite gifts

That God has chosen to bestow on me,

Our memories will stay and never die,

To bring us joy when we need it the most,

You’ve always been there and you always will,

Forever in my heart my dear, you’ll be.

Poem #9: The Mountain Climber

The mountain is steep

I inhale fresh air and smile

I love the journey

Poem #8: Smile

Darling

Turn up your mouth

Push the ends to the sky

Share the joy of your soul with me

Please smile

Poem #7: The Boy I Loved For a Day

Curly hair and an impish grin,

Merry green eyes and a confident chin,

When he winked at me I got butterflies,

He wasn’t afraid to look into my eyes,

He told me he’d buy me an ice cream cone,

And then he said he’d walk me home,

Will you meet me here tomorrow? He asked.

I told him I would and I thought this might last.

The next day I came to the very same spot,

Hoping he’d be in the place that he ought,

But I waited and waited for nearly an hour,

My beautiful dreams had begun to turn sour,

I started to look for him everywhere

Then slowly realized he wouldn’t be there,

My anger built up til I thought I would burst,

He must have found some other girl first.

A woman walked by with a tear on her cheek,

I asked if I could help, but she couldn’t speak,

Finally she looked at me and wearily spoke,

“My son is has been killed and I haven’t much hope,”

Her son was the boy with the curly hair,

The green eyes and wink that was too much to bear,

He’d been hit by a car on his way home that night,

And there was nothing to do, no way to fight,

Since that day I’ve been thinking how tragic is life,

Where a soul can so quickly leave this place of strife,

I never really knew him, at least not for long,

But I feel that a part of me is suddenly gone.

His mother and I remain friends to the end

The last twenty years we have started to mend.

I’ve gained a sweet love, but I’ll never forget,

How that dear boy’s eyes looked on the day we first met.

Poem #6: The Ocean

The ocean has a part of me it’s true,

A piece of pure wild dancing gracelessly,

Within my soul it comes and goes sometimes,

And when it goes I know where it has gone,

Back to the sea, the place where it belongs.

The ocean has a piece of me indeed,

It’s gentle waves stir gentleness in me,

It breathes contentment, calm and peace of mind,

And tells me that my answers are inside.

I look within and then I sweetly know

I’ve found my missing piece beside the shore.

The ocean is a trusted friend of mine,

For though she may seem inconstant to some,

The balance she strikes between calm and wild,

Is a wonderful thing to emulate

Poem #5: To My Sister

  12 years old, and your long, thin legs kick up in the air,

Cartwheeling over the grass,

The long lines of your body seem to be continually reaching towards the sky.

Oh, how I hope you will always be reaching up...

The world will try to say you aren’t beautiful...but what do they know?

Your beauty goes deeper than an ocean, more enchanting than the pearl found at the bottom.

Your eyes are as blue as pieces of the sky you are reaching for and your hands are creators, creators of all sorts of wonderful things.

Never forget that you hold the key to joy inside of you. Never forget that you can create reality from the gossamer web of  your dreams.

Fly, darling girl, fly away and show the world the beauty that you are.

Poem #4: An Invitation

Enter

a lovely house,

with walls built of paper,

furnished with ink to tell a tale,

a book.

#poetrymarathon2016

Poem #3: The Nectarine Tree

 A pink crescent moon in an indigo sky,

was my ceiling that night, though I didn't ask why,

Simply breathed it all in, feeling strangely content,

as I plucked fruit from a tree that was broken and bent.

We worked in the dark, til a floodlight turned on,

illuminating the scene, spilling light on the lawn,

In that strange brilliant glow I grabbed fistfuls of fruit, 

trying hard to relieve the poor tree of it's loot,

Tired and worn, her branches drooped to the ground,

unable to carry even one more pound,

In her shame there was beauty, with her graceful green leaves, 

Gently framing her branches, like a gown with fine sleeves,

The nectarines she grew were hard and small,

but their deep royal colour was not ugly at all.

The scene had great beauty, a part of me knew, 

It felt like a secret, no one else had a clue.

But pink crescent moons in an indigo sky, don't happen too often, and I will not ask why,

I'll simply take what I'm given, but won't ask for more,

else I become like the fruit tree, hurt by the beauty she bore

#poetrymarathon2016

Poem #2: Chocolate

I need

Bittersweet, decadent

To inhale it’s scent, bite into the taste, let it melt my senses

My soul reaches out for the thing that it craves, the sweet dark richness,

To breathe, bite, taste,

Smooth and luscious,

 Darkest of dark chocolate.

#poetry marathon2016

Poem #1 New Day

The earth is quiet as I wake

She holds all her songs upon her tongue

She’s waited through the long cold night

To watch the silent dawn.

A new day comes with gentle calm

No grand announcement marks her birth

But all below immersed in light

Baptized in the newness of a rising sun.

My soul in awe tiptoes before

The way the dawn makes all look strange

And fresh

and brilliant

and full of magic scattered through

the day.

My soul has been re- born again

Splashed clean in the earliest rays of day.

I’m glad I woke. I’m glad I paused.

To watch the silent dawn.

#poetrymarathon2016

July Wrap-Up

    Favorite part: Girl's Camp was a ton of fun, and a very bittersweet experience since it was my last year, and my sister's first. Lots of memories from that week that I will treasure for a long time :)
    Reading: I just finished an excellent book. Between Friends by Debbie Macomber. It was written in a really unique way, and it had great depth to the characters and relationships. A really beautiful story about life, love and friendship that became one of my favorites after I read it in one day, haha.
    Listening to: Still mostly Regina and Ingrid Michaelson :)
    Learning: That my attitude creates my reality and I don't need to be dependent on anyone but myself and God for a knowledge of my worth and strength.
    Thinking about: Plans for the future and getting ready for the upcoming school year.
    Doing: Spending time with friends, reading, writing, still trying to get a job, watching lots of Aspyn + Parker vlogs (sort of a guilty pleasure), yoga, and wearing the same pair of shorts almost every day.
   Next month: A family camping trip, less time on social media, my first poetry marathon (!!!) and starting school!

A Poem of 100 Years

       A memory holds magic, like a mirror where I see

Scenes from a different place and time, shadows of former me

I bottle them in boxes, I pickle them in jars

I label them with sunshine and bits of discarded stars

And each one is so precious, be it full of light or dark,

For thinking of these memories reminds me of my mark,

In all my years of living, even moments long forgot,

I’ve left a legacy of truth that cannot be bought.

The stories that I told, the flowers that I grew

Each childlike heart I touched, each time I breathed anew,

Though I’m not proud of every moment, I choose to see instead,

The peace of my warm bed at night, the smiling mouths I fed,

I hope that when my body’s turned into a speck of light above,

The thing I’ll be remembered for is all the times I loved.

June

      So June was pretty cool. Here's the short story :)

          Favorite part: I went to EFY for the first time, and that was a really incredible experience. I made a wonderful kindred spirit friend, learned a lot of really great lessons and was able to feel the Spirit while helping others do so as well. One of those weeks that I think I'll remember forever.
         Reading: I've been reading all of the Shannon Hale Books of Bayern series with my sister, and they are AMAZING. I would recommend them for anyone older than about eleven or twelve who breathes. Honestly, they're the kind of books that I think have something for everybody. :)
        Listening to: As of recently, the Regina Spektor Pandora Station. It's sooo me and I love it.
        Learning: What it means to walk by faith and trust that the Lord has good things in store for me.
        Thinking about: Hmm...not telling..... :)
         Doing: A California and beach trip, singing, yoga, reading, listening to music, making plans, loving people, crying and praying.
          Next month: I have Girl's Camp with my adorable little sister for the first time! And I will be doing summer the way summer should be done.
          Much love to anyone reading this!

       

May Wrap-Up

            What an absolutely beautiful month I've had! It's been full of moments that I will look back on with a smile for years to come. I'm endlessly grateful for all of the laughter, tears, hugs and just love that I've experienced. Here's the recap:

                  Favorite part: The ENTIRE experience of doing our Much Ado About Nothing. It was such a beautiful thing to watch each one of my precious actors rise to the occasion and just sparkle on that stage. Those kids are amazing, and it's been a huge blessing to be able to mentor them. Our play turned out so wonderfully, and I was so proud and full of joy. Directing was definitely one of the most rewarding things I've done. Ah, I just love them! And as you can probably tell, I could talk about this forever, so....
              Reading: I haven't read much on my own this month. I did however, finish reading Princess Academy to my sister and it was lovely. I hadn't read that book in years and it was such a pretty piece of literature. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I also read a different book from the library, finished it in two days. It was called The Last Boy and Girl in the World and I really didn't like it. Wouldn't recommend at all. I had a great sensation of wasted time and crushed dreams after finishing it. Haha, but seriously.
            Listening to: Eh. Nothing much to report here. My favorite music right now is 40's swing, which tells you how far gone I am. ;)
            Learning: French! I'm obsessed with the gorgeous language.
            Thinking about: Trying to look to the future with hope.
            Doing: Loving and hanging out with twelve super awesome kids and having a total blast! Basically sums up my month :) Also, finals and being done with school!
            Next month: I've got a number of exciting things coming up, summer happiness, and getting my first job. (It will happen!!)
           Peace out May, it's been real. Thanks for existing, I appreciate it quite a lot <3

April Recap :)

     Well, April is over. I had a very interesting and lovely month. The first beginnings of spring are always perfectly wonderful. Here are my highlights.

       Favorite part: One fun (and slightly adventurous) thing I did, was attend a homeschool prom with a stag group of my friends. It was one of those experiences where I was able to overcome my anxiety and have a lot of fun, plus I got to dress up in my super gorgeous tulle and lace homecoming dress, which is always fantastic. Yay for being fun and doing social things ;)
      Reading: Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. BEST BOOK EVER. I'm obsessed with her writing style and the way she develops her characters. This book was a long, drawn out, emotional experience, but at the end, you finally see why it's all worth it as she wraps all of the lessons and deep themes together. Basically, Barbara Kingsolver is an excellent writer and I will be reading more of her in the future.
      Listening to: Well, the lovely Molly Kate Kestner has done it again with some excellent covers. Anyone reading this should go check her out, she's absolutely adorable and her voice is honey toned perfection. I listened to her cover of Youth by Troye Sivan and then became obsessed with that song. Also, she does a cover of the song Close by Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo with this guy who she's now dating, and it is the cutest and most beautiful thing I have ever watched. So yeah, probably her the most lately, although my loyalty to Aurora still has not wavered :)
       Learning: Refer to previous post. The lesson that I've been trying to teach myself, all month in fact, is not to expect things from people. They are their own individuals, trying to figure it out as much as they can. It's hard enough for them without me placing my expectations on them. So I'm trying to just love people, and let them be. Nobody's actions define my worth, I am an independent being, who does not need people to pay me constant attention or be extremely loyal to me. I still have many friends who I love dearly, but I am not dependent on them for my happiness. And yes, I'm still working on learning this lesson, but after all of the heartache in relationships that I've experienced in my life, I believe that it's the lesson that I need to learn. So yes.
     Thinking about: All things Shakespeare play! I am 100% absorbed by this project that I've taken on, and it's consuming me just a bit. I'm inexpressibly excited to show off my awesome kids and all that they've accomplished :)
      doing: homework (as usual), getting sick twice, babysitting for a weekend, connecting with some truly lovely people, missing some truly lovely people, watching literary webseries because they are the best thing ever to happen to YouTube, and of course, throwing myself into the directing of my play with all of my soul.
      Next month: Is going to be fantastic! Next week is finals week and then I'm completely done with school!! Which is the best news ever, ever. And then after that we perform our play which you already know my entire life is centered around currently. And then we go to Shakespeare Showdown which is a super fun camp up in the mountains where different Shakespeare groups get together and perform for each other and I'm SO EXCITED for that, because it will probably be my last opportunity to go for a long time. And there is just so much to be happy about in the near future <3
    Anyway, sorry that this post was so ridiculously lengthy, (I don't know who I'm apologizing to because nobody reads these, haha.) Also, I would like to quickly say that since it was my birthday yesterday, I'm insanely grateful for all of the loving and wonderful people in my life who sent me sweet birthday wishes and just made me feel very loved. Just know, I adore you all.
  Signing out,

A Ramble on the Subject of Loneliness

            There are a lot of things I absolutely do not understand about humans. And one of those things, as a fellow human observing you all, is the deadly connotation of the word "alone" in so many of our hearts. So many people are afraid of being with themselves, and I find this a tragedy. Sure, learning to be with other people is a good thing, a necessary thing. But why is the thought of being alone so horrifying to so many?
           People are always moving, shifting constantly. Their lives are their own individual maps, charting out priorities and beliefs, all seen with that peculiar slant each person has. One day, somebody will decide there isn't room for you on their little map. I'm sure it's happened to you before. People change, and people leave. Which is why we must learn to love and understand ourselves FIRST, before chaining our soul to the friends we think we have.
         How can people say being lonely is so awful? How can anybody say my life is empty when I have my trees, firmly rooted into the ground and always there to greet me? When I have the ever-changing sky to love in all of it's moods? When I have the moon above me, gracefully changing phases like a lady slipping into different gowns? This world is a lovely place to be alive and to find yourself. And I promise that you can be found, perhaps in the heart of a sweetly budding rose or the calm quiet of a lake. There is a smiling Heavenly Father above who waits for you to make these discoveries, and to realize that you must put Him before any other person in your life. Because people have never been constants. They change, and you change, and that's part of life.
        The lesson I have learned is to treasure sweet memories you have with people, keep them close to your heart, and remember those times when you truly connected with another human. Because so often, those memories are all that we have. You never know when someone is going to leave your life, and so you keep the memories, and the old sweet love in your heart, and you gently let them go.
        Loneliness is an art that takes some getting used to. But when you have learned that art, being comfortable in your own skin, with your own tender sorrows and exquisite joys, then you have learned what it is to be happy, I truly believe.

The Month of March

       

      Favourite part: It most certainly is not a hard decision this month. My favorite part was definitely when I started rehearsals for my first play as a director. It was one of those experiences that is just like fitting a puzzle piece into the right spot. I found a place to belong. I love directing and I love my Shakespeare kids. They make my dark days brighter and they have such wonderful souls, yearning to find their purpose. I love being able to make a difference in their lives and use my talents to create something wonderful. #longrant

      reading: Anthem by Ayn Rand. Super fascinating, and fairly short read. It REALLY makes you think about the meaning of personal liberty and how important it is in our lives.

      listening to: STILL Aurora :) I have yet to find anything better and she has currently ruined me for almost any other music. So yeah.

     learning: that true joy comes from being where God wants you to be, and doing what He wants you to do. I think He has been speaking to me the past week and a half, telling me that my passion and love is where it is for a reason <3

     thinking about: This quote: "Anesthesia and amnesia are the two great sins of our culture. We forget and we go numb." Francis Weller. The more I have pondered on this, the more I have realized that it touches the very core of human nature and it's flaws, and it's FASCINATING.

     doing: homework and play rehearsals :) \

      next month: I turn seventeen years old. It's the usual feeling upon approaching a new age, a new chapter in the book of life. (yes, I just used that cheesy analogy). I'm a little hesitant, a little excited, and a little disbelieving. But soon, I will be a year older and hopefully a little wiser. 

I hope you had a great month and that your April is as beautiful as can be hoped for!

      

Grey

 the soft grey shadows cover the trees. the quiet dust settles on somber grey mountains. grey faces, grey rain, grey stones. i wonder where the sunset has gone, for all is grey. the color has slipped away-.  we cannot see that which we cannot feel. 

Grey. The color of sadness that has frozen over. the color of the clouds when they have cried out the last of their tears. the color of my eyes when I look in, in to their foggy depths and wonder where the sun has gone.

Grey. the color of ashes, skittering, scrambling across the ground. the color left behind when a passionate blaze has burned itself into oblivion.

Grey is what numb looks like. Grey is when you've been blue for so long you can no longer muster up a speck of color.

February

          Wow. Looking back on this month is something like looking back through an exciting book you've just finished reading, remembering the highs and lows, and realizing that the end feels much bigger than the beginning :) so much has happened this month, and it has been a time of incredible growth for me. I'm so grateful for the many opportunities in my life that have led me through an amazing month! That being said, I'm going to hop into.....

                                                            My February Wrap-Up

                 favourite part: Oh my. I have to say this is a quite difficult decision. So much awesomeness to choose from. But probably my overarching favourite moment, was when I graduated from a class I've been taking. I won't go into detail, but it was a huge milestone in my life, the culminating capstone of a journey of many years. The whole thing has been a quite amazing experience, with some pretty amazing people on the journey with me. I am still incredibly grateful for the influence they have had in my life and the things I've learned along the way.

               reading: Lots of things for school, but beside that I'm currently reading a lovely book, a biography of  Gene Stratton Porter, who is one of my favourite authors. It is a gift from a lovely person which makes it even more special :) and it makes me happy.

                listening to: So much Aurora. I have an obsession. Her voice, personality, passion for life, and simple wisdom is 100% magical. Listen to her music, and your life will be forever changed :)

                learning: Soooo much. It's kind of crazy, actually. But I think probably the most important lesson of this month was that I can simply be myself. I know it's something we hear all the time, "Just be yourself". But I really and truly learned it this month. That it really doesn't matter what people think of me. That if people dismiss me because of who I am, then they aren't worth it. That I should be kind to people, but that it's pretty darn useless to try and make them like me. So I guess you could say I'm learning how to be happy in myself and with myself.

              thinking about: what a beautifully fascinating thing life really is. I mean honestly, there are so many interesting and wonderful things all around us that we simply take for granted. So I suppose I'm thinking about truly enjoying and experiencing life to the fullest. 

              doing: Supreme Court Simulations, public speaking, studying, reading, writing, casting a play....oh, and crying :) the good kind though.

              next month: The rehearsals begin for the very first play I've ever directed in my life! I'm crazy excited, like I get giddy every time I think about it, but at the same time my life is going to get INSANE. And I'm praying hard. 

     P.S. If you read this, thank you so much! It means the world to me that you took the time to do that. I have a goal to one day influence many, many people through my words on the Internet, and just know that by reading this, you have helped me to come closer to accomplishing that.

  Much love,

Soul Growth

 

         Seconds flit by, like hummingbirds in flight.....long gloomy days turn to dark gloomy nights.
         I watch the world in it's still state....and inside soul seeds begin to germinate
         I feel a shift inside my heart, it's a cataclysmic change.....and I somehow feel it's something that the          darkness can't derange.
         This month I've seen the light, and it's showing a new path....the golden flecks of soul-fire have cleansed me in their bath.
          Something is beginning now, with every passing day, I'm feeling changes at my core, I am the potter's clay.
         Questions haunt me, fascinated, I let them twirl me in their grip, what will my future bring? where will I go? is there a place I'm meant to be, and how will I ever know?
          But deep down in me, there is peace, a safety if you will.....because through everything I'm learning I know I am God's child still.
       

Frozen

                I've got a chill under my skin, the ice cold winds retained within,
                When you walk past you do not know, a frigid breeze doth lightly blow,
                 It creeps inside and lightly rests, upon my soul, within my breast,
                 I cannot shake it off you see, despite all the blankets I put over me,
                 and so I curl into a ball, for the cold,
                 makes it hard
                 to feel anything
                 at all.
             


















               

This Month....

  This is a post I will be doing monthly this year to kind of recap how the last month went, and preserve more memories, because life is made up of those, and what's the use of them if we don't remember? Hopefully you enjoy!

                                                               January Wrap-Up
                                     
                  favourite part: I'm not sure if this was my favourite, but probably my biggest accomplishment this month was doing my first Supreme Court Simulation, which I think was a milestone because it helped me to realize that I can do hard things, and be successful at something that previously seemed almost impossible.
                  reading: The Story of My Life by Helen Keller,
                  listening to: Rachel Platten's Wildfire (album), and lots of music by Aurora
                  learning: responsibility and how to stay happy in the midst of crazy
                  thinking about: how far I've come in the past year, and how excited I am for the future
                  doing: lots of homework, babysitting and dishwashing :)
                  next month: I'm gearing up for a whole new crazy awesome month. I'll be doing more hard stuff, the life changing kind, and I couldn't be more excited!
                 

Ode to January

           
              January.......a month of golden light and blue shadows. The crisp cold is like a numbing kiss                on my cheeks and nose, leaving a sensation of warmth where there really is none.
             
             The pure white snow, sparkling like a lovely gown, clothes the fields. The charitable skies                   gift the bare brown landscape with fairy white flakes, consecrating it with beauty.
             
             January.....you are so kind.
           
             Your soft white curves cover the ugly bareness of a snowless landscape, like a fairy                              godmother dressing a drab young girl in an exquisite ball gown. You shine forth radiantly,                  filling my world with soft pink sunsets and navy blue night skies. You hold every mystery of              beauty in your icy clutches and captivate me with it's presence.
           
             And yet people think you cruel! People condemn you for your freezing exterior, not                              understanding that it is a part of who you are....that you must have your bitter side like all the               rest of us.
           
              Many people hate the cold and curse the glittering snow.....but you shine on despite them all.               You show the world that cold does not always mean cruel, and that seasons and people who                  find it difficult to be loved are not any less worth loving for that.
           
               Dear, lovely January, you are my month of beginnings, my month of hope. And your beauty                has shown me the love that God bestows even on the frostiest and most misunderstood of                    his children. Because cold is it's own kind of beauty.

               After all, only the bitter weather has the ability to make us feel so sharply alive.